Fake Your Destiny with Great Success

Everyone talks about how to be successful through hard work and effort. Forget that! I’m going to take a different approach. I will show you how to lose all your hard-earned money, fake your death (I mean destiny), and be successful at it.

Step 1: Be a Sissy-

Being a sissy has nothing to do with physical strength and everything to do with mental strength. I know you want to be successful but are too afraid to commit to your dream. You’re scared to take chances. You’re afraid to make choices. You want everything to be perfect before you can “take a risk.” Yeah, right! That day will come when the hell and my mother’s famous spicy hot Sancocho soup freezes (author’s note: my money is on Hell freezing over first). Nonetheless, please don’t do anything until one of the following has occurred: All the stars in the constellation have aligned themselves perfectly, you’ve spotted a once extinct Dodo bird, or someone guarantees you that you will not fail. Until one of these things is in place, don’t do anything…be a sissy.

Step 2: Listen to Stupid People-

Oh, this is one of my favorite. There are two types of people out there: successful and happy. By successful, I mean someone who has a career and is financially secure. By comfortable, I mean someone who has found their “happy place” and enjoys where they’re at in life. The latter has less to do with money and more with lifestyle. Knowing this, here’s the key: never, I mean, NEVER listen to successful or happy people. They’ll make you nauseous with their ideas and strategies for getting what you want out of life. Instead, listen to friends and family members who are either broke or unhappy. That way, if you fail, and chances are that you will, you’ll, at a minimum, have them for company. And we know that misery loves company. Also, if you fail to use their advice, you can always blame it on them (See Rule 9 for more details).

Step 3: Wait for Divine Intervention-

Yes, another strategy on how to lose your money and fake destiny is to wait for the ‘invisible hand’ of fate to pass over you and bless you with immense abundance. Yes, go ahead, pray and ask God (whoever and whatever that is to you) to rain down upon you all you deserve. Sit back, do nothing and wait for something too great to happen. Yes, your needs far outweigh those of people in other countries who are dying from HIV, hunger, violence, etc. Don’t feel guilty. Make your demand on God, and if you’re so inclined, you might want to give Him a deadline because you’re in a hurry. But remember, don’t lift a finger to help yourself; you might offend Him by being impatient.

Step 4: Develop a Need to Mimic-

Desmond Morris wrote a fantastic book called “The Human Ape.” If you haven’t read it, you are depriving yourself of a primitive experience and pleasure. Morris talks about humans' need to mimic to feel accepted or more worthy. So, what you, please do for you to lose your money and fake your destiny is looking around you and buy whatever your friends or colleagues are buying. But the luxury cars, the luxurious museum (I mean houses), take all the trips you want to exotic places. What about money? Who cares? The point here is that you want to mimic or copy what everyone else is doing. Money and debt are nuisances you shouldn’t have to worry about. What about credit card companies? So what do you owe them money? They’re crooks who already have too much money; they don’t need yours.

Step 5: Take advantage of People-

Here’s a great tip. Forget about being considerate and to hell with the “golden rule.” If you can use somebody, do it. I you can take advantage of a situation, do it. Consequences?! Bah! Why to bother with such silly notions; they’re so inconvenient. For all you care, you’ll probably never have to deal with them again. And if it’s in a work environment, all the better, screw them any way you can. They probably deserve it for being so dang naïve. The basic premise is this, the next time you are in a position to abuse another fellow human being, don’t think twice; do it!

Step 6: Invent Your Reality-

Ooh, I like this one. To hell with reality, create your own. When someone says, “You’re not being realistic,” ignore them; they’re an idiot. When someone tries to warn you that you are overspending and your debts are mounting, go out and shop some more…you’ll feel better. Remember also that money is the root of all evil, and no one should have to save or keep any around for a rainy day. And, even when everyone is telling you you’re wrong, ignore them because they ALL can’t be right! And more than likely, they don’t have the same bright, pink outlook on life you have. Dismiss those fools.

Step 7: Never Keep a Commitment Again-

Remember, the next time you make a promise, it isn’t a commitment. A contract is an agreement to do something, but you reserve the right to change your mind without notifying the other party (The When it’s Convenient Rule). And yes, it’s OK to over-promise and under-deliver. The Convenient Rule still applies. When you tell someone you’d show up to a meeting or an engagement, remember that it’s OK to change your mind, again, without the need to notify the other party. Commitments are so restrictive that you should allow yourself the flexibility to abide by or ignore them whenever you feel like it. What if others complain? They’re insensitive to your ‘spontaneity’ and free spirit….envious bastards.

Step 8: Blame it on the ISM-

The next time things don’t go your way, or you miss out on some promotion or raise, blame it on an “ISM.” There are plenty to choose from. Racism, SexISM, AgeISM, etc. Remember, it’s never your responsibility to create wealth and opportunity. Someone should always look out for you because you’ve been handicapped (i.e., with an ISM) by the unfairness of society. Someone should also make amends, and remunerations for your inconvenience should be made to you. Don’t forget to always complain about how “the man” won’t let you succeed. And always blame your failing on some corporate guy with a nice suit and tie. They’re always guilty of something. They’re all liars and cheats waiting to be exposed.

Bonus rule:

Step 9: It’s Never Your Problem-

No matter how bad you perform or don’t perform, it isn’t your fault (Corollary to Rule 8). It’s never your problem. It’s always someone else’s deal. And if you can’t find a warm body to blame it on, use someone dead. Dead people help blame things because they can’t dismiss the accusation, and you feel better since it isn’t your fault. If you can’t find any dead people to blame it on, use the ultimate trump card, the Universe (or Cosmos). Either one is good enough when it comes to blaming. Just blame your misfortune on some ‘weird existential vibe’ thing that can’t be defined. And if someone doesn’t believe you, they’re just being insensitive and ignorant of existence on a ‘much higher level’ where you can’t be held responsible.

Follow these nine rules, and I guarantee you will lose your money and fake your destiny with GREAT SUCCESS.